Conception


Sunday, October 19, 2008 Journal Excerpt

GLOWING!!!!

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This morning we found out that we are pregnant, we are going to have a baby!

I am such an extraordinarily large, complex heap of thoughts and emotions right now I don’t even know where to begin. And at the same time I am a perfect, joyful Holon, celebrating this magical force of creation that has begun.

Yesterday David and I walked into town to get a test, as I am about a week late. I even wanted to wait another week because of the last time I got all excited and tested to be disappointed by no pregnancy.

So this morning I found myself feeling very un-hopeful, I didn’t want to do the test and avoided it for as long as possible. But eventually I had to get out of bed and pee.

I am sad to think of how negative and mad I felt doing the test, how certain I was that I wasn’t pregnant.

Two lines means baby, one line means no baby.

I peed on the thing, saw one line appear, waited a bit for a second line to appear, got pre-maturely disappointed, and decided I was not pregnant and most likely never would be (how silly our minds can be!) I went and got back into bed, saying to David “We’re not pregnant.”

He went to collect the test, and after waiting a while to be sure, showed it to me again. TWO LINES!!! I cried. Then I felt overwhelmed and confused, so many thoughts!!!

When and how will I tell everyone? Where will the baby be born? Where will we live? Who will be our doctor? What will happen to my body? Who is this person growing inside of me?

Then, all of that settled and I entered into great trust, putting all of my questions aside, knowing I will know everything I need to know when I need to know it, not a moment before…..and then IN FLOODED THE JOY!!

I am thrilled beyond words, celebrating in every cell of my body, my darling, beloved, most treasured child I am so honored to be chosen as your mother!

I look forward to the changes this body will see as you share it with me. The next nine months we are going to have such a wonderful adventure together. I promise to do my best to listen to you, and to nurture you to your highest potential, to hold you tenderly and with deep respect in all ways, and to be your friend. I am so excited to meet you!

The first day of my last period was Sept. 14, 2008, making the EDD (estimated due date) June 21, 2009. A sweet strawberry summer solstice baby.

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September 3, 2008 Journal Excerpt.

Thoughts on conceiving:
Making love is all brand new since making love to bring our child into the world. We began in June, shortly after arriving on Salt Spring Island after moving from Arizona after our 2008 Global Juice Feast. We Juice Feasted from March through May, and as planned, began to pro-create!

The first time it was magical…as though I had just made love for the first time in my life, a loss of virginity, an acquisition of womanhood. A large part of my thinking goes to our children, to pregnancy, to birth. I am aglo to be part of such a magnificent creative process, to be part of the miracle of life.

It has been a joyful fantasy for as long as I can remember, to be a mother, to give birth to my children. Being such a big strong dream of mine, getting pregnant can also bring up one of my biggest fears: that we will not be able to conceive. Instead of dwelling on how tragic this could be for us, I am in complete trust that life can and will flow through us in whatever form it needs to. Our bodies, hearts and minds are strong and healthy, and many things from them will be born.

In June my period was late, my breasts large and sore, and we bought a pregnancy test kit in excitement. The result was no baby. A few days later my period arrived.

In July my period came on time but was so light that I though perhaps I was pregnant. But then about five days later I bleed again.

In August my period was again late, along with sore, swollen breasts. I had moments of certainty and excitement about being pregnant. But no, the day we began our drive down the Living Light Expo in Ft. Bragg we stopped in Washington to get an oil change and as we were sitting there waiting I felt the pressure in my lower back that I get when my period is going to arrive soon. I told David I had felt this, and tears began to roll down my cheeks, right there in Jiffy Lube! It was such a physical sadness I felt, to not be pregnant. Then I cheered myself up saying perhaps I was in fact pregnant…but later that day I got my period in a musty hotel room on the foggy coast of Northern California. I got my period and I just could not stop from crying. I didn’t know I could feel so sad at a period…but by the next morning I was again happy, myself and my husband assuring me that conceiving a life will happen when it is meant to.
K on the beach

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My dear child, I know you will come at the time you are meant to come, you are welcome when ever you are ready! We are already deeply connected my darling and I know my willingness and eagerness to meet you are signs that the time will soon be right. Your arrival is happily anticipated, and I am honored to welcome you and hold you in my womb.