Pregnancy


March 13, Friday

Week #25

Our flight went as smoothly and happily as possible and we were very glad to have no trouble at the border. Once you have had difficulty in crossing, you are always a little wary of those borders, despite your best efforts at positive thinking!

Pregnancy has brought out the worry wart in me though, I must say! I have never been worried about flying, and with this flight I started worrying about it the night before we left! I was even worried about taking a cab to the airport….my inner worry wart telling me I should just stay put, not be so adventurous, STAY HOME!!! it told me. It is amazing the shift in conciousness that happens when another life is in your hands. Luckily I am able to tell when my concern is ligitimate and when it is not, and this was a case of over-blown pregnancy hormones, and all was well. Here we are, happy in Houston!

I think my worst moment of worry was actually once we had arrived at David’s parent’s house and we had all been sitting visiting when I suddenly realized I had not felt the baby move in quite some time. I also had the worst round ligament pain while walking between gates between flights and carrying heavy backpacks, and this caused me to worry I had hurt the baby somehow. So, when I realized I hadn’t felt it moving I almost started crying right then and there, but I put the worry aside, took a deep breath, and sent love to my baby. About an hour later, once David and I were alone in our room, I told him my concern, and just as I was telling him I felt a strong “kick” and joy flooded my body again. The baby has been its active, happy self ever since, kicking and rolling and dancing away!

It feels wonderful to be back in the US, a great opening of excitment and possibility always occurs for me when I am in this country. Even the energy in the pavement feels different here, more vibrant, more awake. We have been talking often of returning here soon, David and Baby and I, and I feel happy about that. At this point I am still feeling very unsure about where I want to live, but we have decided to put it out there HOW we want to live and how we want to FEEL where we live and trust that the WHERE will become obvious. We both feel somewhat torn between our US and Canadian families, wanting to be close to both. SUNSHINE looks like it will play an important role in our decision too, as both David and I have been greatly missing the light and warmpth of the sun during this past winter in B.C. We will see where we end up! Perhaps after all the moaning and groaning I did about moving so much as a child and promising myself that I would never do that to my own children, I will end up being a gypsy mother.

Houston is having unusualy cold, cloudy, rainy weather right now, but it still feels warm and tropical to us. It is so nice to be surrounded by fresh, green plants and flowers, to hear the jungle sounding birds, to smell the watery, earthy air of the gulf. We both pulled our our flip-flops yesterday and it felt like a celebration. More skin in the air, hooray!

Of pregnant note:

~The first thing Dennis (my father-in-law) said to me as I got off the plane was “You don’t look pregnant!” David replied with “Yah right!” and pulled my shirt tight to demonstrate the basketball sized belly.

~I was asked for the fourth time by a stranger if I was pregnant. I was asked by a  flight attendant on the plane, a man from Quebec who used to camp in -38 degrees C and snow, and I was happy that I am showing enough to be asked.

~The bed we are sleeping on here is heavenly. No jumpy legs or screaming hips or waking up in the middle of the night with an aching back from accidentally sleeping on my back (the weight from my growing baby makes my back ache if I lie on it for too long.)

~I’m still feeling really strong and healthy, no aches and pains, no complaints. Happy, happy, happy!

November 8, Saturday. Journal Excerpt

Week # 7

I spent much of yesterday watering good seeds for a beautiful, joyful labor.

Spoke with several midwives and made several appointments for when we move to Victoria. I see that one good reason to book your midwife early around here is that their schedules fill up quickly! I must have called about 8 different practitioners, and half of them are all booked up for June babies!

I also read un-assisted birthing stories and watched several videos on-line. It is AMAZING what we have access to on the WWW! It is also amazing to me how much fear the medical community seems to spread around the birthing process. Don’t fall for it! Search out the information that makes you feel excited and empowered around birth! I feel so blessed to have the information and knowledge about birth that enables me to feel excited about it! I am so excited to open my body and soul as a channel for this new being to enter through.

My dear baby, I think about you all the time and I anticipate with joy the day we will look into each others eyes. I am so happy you are here with us now, growing beautifully in my womb. I am honored, sweet one, to be with you. I love you, your devoted Mother, Katrina.

October 30, Thursday Journal Excerpt

Week # 6

I’ve felt tired, weak, and nauseous all day today. I don’t feel like I’m eating enough but nothing appeals to me, I don’t really want to eat yet I feel hungry and dizzy so I know I need food. I waited too long to eat this morning and felt like I couldn’t even stand up, David had to make the Green Juice!

In happy news, Mom called today to say that she and Brad (her husband) have talked about us staying in the cottage for the birth and it is a YES!! Hooray! When ever I think of giving birth there it is all white light. While nothing is set in stone and we will see how the pregnancy progresses, I feel that to give birth in a cabin on a mountain on an island would be amazing.

I’ve been reading books today that sent me into feeling like I am not nearly “on-top” of things with being pregnant! Many of the books suggest finding a midwife or doctor while you are still in the conceiving phase, certainly as soon as you discover you are pregnant, and I haven’t even been to see anyone yet! My mom put it all to rest in her gentle way, telling me that she didn’t go to see a midwife until she was three months pregnant with my brother Joe, and that yes, she felt exhausted too when she was pregnant. I was also worrying that I was not eating enough, and she told me a story of some friends of my Oma and Opa who for most of their first pregnancy were living as refugees with very little to eat, and towards the end of pregnancy traveled by boat form the Philippines to Canada where they gave birth to a beautiful, healthy, intelligent little girl.

Ah, so good to have things put in perspective!

October 23, Thursday 2008 Journal Excerpt

Week #5

GVJ = Green Vegetable Juice!!

I am having another “I can’t believe I am pregnant” day. I am grieving my small breasts, my changing body, my maidenhood soon to become motherhood. My breasts feel so big and swollen already, how can they possibly get bigger, they will burst! Yet I know they, and my belly, have just begun to swell…

I had a green smoothie (Spinach/strawberries/banana) for breakfast that made me feel mildly nauseous. Then David and I went out for a walk in the sunshine and I felt better. Just had some green juice (red leaf lettuce/cucumber/celery/bok choy/ parsley/ fennel/ carrot/ apple/ ginger) which always makes me feel wonderful.

(During my first trimester of pregnancy, green juice was the only way I could stomach greens. Salads and green smoothies turned my stomach and made me want to run away from them. Happily this aversion ended with the first trimester and the end of month number three saw me fully enjoying green smoothies and salads again.)

green juiceDrinking GVJ during the 2008 Global Juice Feast

October 21, Tuesday Journal Excerpt

Week #5  (I will be using the method my midwife uses for counting weeks, starting from the first day of my last period)

I am home, I have arriveblack berriesrose hipsimg_2044img_2001img_2046

Today we had a celebrate the baby day. Cuddled in, went to get DHA and folic acid for me to start taking, had a beautiful, magical, kissy, love struck dinner together. Our third day has been very special.

I had a very emotional day yesterday: all I wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and hide, sleep, cry, and be tender. It is a huge adjustment, being pregnant! I’m so glad I have nine months to grow into this motherhood thing…and then all the years of actual mothering after that! I have to say I already LOVE being pregnant.

What a trip to have someone else growing in my body, sharing this body that has been mine alone for so long. Although pregnancy is mostly conceptual to me at this point, I can’t see or feel the physical baby yet, I can still feel it energetically. And my breasts are feeling so swollen they are making it difficult to get comfortable in bed! (This shifted all through out pregnancy as my skin adjusted to different body weight compositions. Sometimes my breasts were really sore, then they would adjust, then they would grow again and get sore again, then adjust. Such bodily wisdom!)

After dinner we went to buy a sweet spring green new born baby shirt.
Understanding Is LovePS. I experienced my first bit of morning sickness today, and all I wanted was popcorn! My chia/strawberry/blackberry/apple/maca smoothie this morning made me feel nauseous this morning and I could barely drink a pint.

Sunday, October 19, 2008 Journal Excerpt

GLOWING!!!!

photo-221

This morning we found out that we are pregnant, we are going to have a baby!

I am such an extraordinarily large, complex heap of thoughts and emotions right now I don’t even know where to begin. And at the same time I am a perfect, joyful Holon, celebrating this magical force of creation that has begun.

Yesterday David and I walked into town to get a test, as I am about a week late. I even wanted to wait another week because of the last time I got all excited and tested to be disappointed by no pregnancy.

So this morning I found myself feeling very un-hopeful, I didn’t want to do the test and avoided it for as long as possible. But eventually I had to get out of bed and pee.

I am sad to think of how negative and mad I felt doing the test, how certain I was that I wasn’t pregnant.

Two lines means baby, one line means no baby.

I peed on the thing, saw one line appear, waited a bit for a second line to appear, got pre-maturely disappointed, and decided I was not pregnant and most likely never would be (how silly our minds can be!) I went and got back into bed, saying to David “We’re not pregnant.”

He went to collect the test, and after waiting a while to be sure, showed it to me again. TWO LINES!!! I cried. Then I felt overwhelmed and confused, so many thoughts!!!

When and how will I tell everyone? Where will the baby be born? Where will we live? Who will be our doctor? What will happen to my body? Who is this person growing inside of me?

Then, all of that settled and I entered into great trust, putting all of my questions aside, knowing I will know everything I need to know when I need to know it, not a moment before…..and then IN FLOODED THE JOY!!

I am thrilled beyond words, celebrating in every cell of my body, my darling, beloved, most treasured child I am so honored to be chosen as your mother!

I look forward to the changes this body will see as you share it with me. The next nine months we are going to have such a wonderful adventure together. I promise to do my best to listen to you, and to nurture you to your highest potential, to hold you tenderly and with deep respect in all ways, and to be your friend. I am so excited to meet you!

The first day of my last period was Sept. 14, 2008, making the EDD (estimated due date) June 21, 2009. A sweet strawberry summer solstice baby.

September 3, 2008 Journal Excerpt.

Thoughts on conceiving:
Making love is all brand new since making love to bring our child into the world. We began in June, shortly after arriving on Salt Spring Island after moving from Arizona after our 2008 Global Juice Feast. We Juice Feasted from March through May, and as planned, began to pro-create!

The first time it was magical…as though I had just made love for the first time in my life, a loss of virginity, an acquisition of womanhood. A large part of my thinking goes to our children, to pregnancy, to birth. I am aglo to be part of such a magnificent creative process, to be part of the miracle of life.

It has been a joyful fantasy for as long as I can remember, to be a mother, to give birth to my children. Being such a big strong dream of mine, getting pregnant can also bring up one of my biggest fears: that we will not be able to conceive. Instead of dwelling on how tragic this could be for us, I am in complete trust that life can and will flow through us in whatever form it needs to. Our bodies, hearts and minds are strong and healthy, and many things from them will be born.

In June my period was late, my breasts large and sore, and we bought a pregnancy test kit in excitement. The result was no baby. A few days later my period arrived.

In July my period came on time but was so light that I though perhaps I was pregnant. But then about five days later I bleed again.

In August my period was again late, along with sore, swollen breasts. I had moments of certainty and excitement about being pregnant. But no, the day we began our drive down the Living Light Expo in Ft. Bragg we stopped in Washington to get an oil change and as we were sitting there waiting I felt the pressure in my lower back that I get when my period is going to arrive soon. I told David I had felt this, and tears began to roll down my cheeks, right there in Jiffy Lube! It was such a physical sadness I felt, to not be pregnant. Then I cheered myself up saying perhaps I was in fact pregnant…but later that day I got my period in a musty hotel room on the foggy coast of Northern California. I got my period and I just could not stop from crying. I didn’t know I could feel so sad at a period…but by the next morning I was again happy, myself and my husband assuring me that conceiving a life will happen when it is meant to.
K on the beach

img_1076img_1037img_1083img_1106California.

My dear child, I know you will come at the time you are meant to come, you are welcome when ever you are ready! We are already deeply connected my darling and I know my willingness and eagerness to meet you are signs that the time will soon be right. Your arrival is happily anticipated, and I am honored to welcome you and hold you in my womb.

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